Publicly edited version: To avoid revealing privacy, some names, chat details, accounts/paths/private details have been anonymized or omitted.

Didn’t get much done yesterday… This morning, I lost control again and slept late, only getting to bed at 2 AM… The only good news this morning was finding my old power bank… Then I spent the whole morning just scrolling through videos, feeling pretty useless… Why am I such a good-for-nothing? Didn’t make either of the two videos I planned yesterday… I’m really… fed up. Why am I so useless? Why, why, why, why, why, why?

I don’t want to hurt myself, I’m not that fragile, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m terrified of dying, and there’s so much I haven’t experienced yet. I haven’t been in love, haven’t experienced true intimacy, haven’t properly connected with friends. There’s so much I haven’t enjoyed, not to mention my dreams haven’t come true yet. I haven’t become strong, how can I fall here… It’s just that I’m really tired, and my heart is weary; I can’t even rest. I feel no energy for creating, and then I remembered I failed some university courses. Even though I absolutely detest these courses, failing them is still a hassle. I’ll have to spend time studying them this summer. How can I ever become strong? Why is everyone against me? Why do I have no talent? Why can’t anyone comfort me? Why does no one love me? Why can’t I do anything… I feel a deep sense of powerlessness… Of course, even so, my meta-consciousness is still clear. I know perfectly well that this state of mine has probably appeared many times before. I’ve even summarized it as ‘holiday breakdown,’ perhaps it’s the accumulated effect of not being able to enjoy myself or vent my emotions. It will pass…

Later today, I finally managed to upload the video, even if it was still a ‘lightning edit’… But I do think ARG is a pretty good direction.