How This Started#

I had a nightmare this morning

In the dream, I seemed to have lost the ability to protect what was mine: people took my belongings as they pleased, someone else controlled my computer, and even my name could be used without my say

I tried to fight back, but nothing I did changed anything

Eventually, I screamed hysterically in the dream. I wanted to cry out with everything I had, only to find that I couldn’t make a sound

Only when I finally shouted in real life did I wake from the dream

My heart was still pounding. It took a while to remember that I was already a university student, lying in my dorm bed

It made me think about where I am now, so I decided to write a post and take a good look back

Where Things Stand#

Thinking carefully, I realized that most of the relationships I have built since high school seem connected to my abilities, knowledge, interests, or the resources and help I once provided

• One friendship gradually formed because I had comforted that friend
• I started talking with a university classmate after mentioning that I was developing a game in my self-introduction during military training
• Most members of the community I built gathered after seeing my projects, tutorials, or shared content
• Someone recently invited me to co-found a club and explicitly said they wanted to work with me because they valued my abilities
• Even some relationships that were once a little more special seem inseparable from what I could offer through conversation

I am happy that my abilities can give me a chance to meet people

And as my knowledge and skills have grown, I really have gradually met more capable people

There seems to be a fairly clear path:

Learn, build skills, create things, gain recognition, then enter a wider social circle and meet more capable people

For me, at least, this path has been real and effective

But precisely because of that, I find it increasingly hard to imagine why anyone would want to get close to me if one day I no longer had those abilities and resources

How Do I See Other People?#

More interestingly, I seem to judge other people by similar standards myself

When someone’s technical skills are not yet at my level, I am usually happy to talk seriously with them and explain what I know if they need help. In those situations, I tend to take something closer to a mentor’s role

When someone’s technical skills are close to mine, I am usually very interested in their field and ask about things I am less familiar with. Beyond the conversation, though, I sometimes quietly compete with them too

As for people my age who are far more accomplished than I am… my feelings are often quite complicated

I sincerely admire their work and abilities, and even tell them how much I look up to them

At the same time, I feel a certain hard-to-describe pang

We are around the same age, so why can they already create such excellent work?

Why do they already have recognition in the community, mature skills, and enviable projects, while I seem to be struggling with basic problems?

Discovering talented people excites me, but realizing the gap between us discourages me too. Sometimes, seeing someone else’s project suddenly gives me an urge not to be outdone, to prove that I can do it as well

Then, before I know it, I have changed my original plans and poured a huge amount of time into a project that appeared out of nowhere…

I know this behavior makes little sense, but that urge to catch up and prove my abilities is genuinely hard to ignore

It also made me realize that I always seem to use someone’s abilities to work out where I stand in relation to them

• What can I teach them?
• What knowledge and resources can we exchange?
• What can I learn from them?
• How much effort would it take to reach their level?

I find it hard not to think about these questions at all…

Why Do I Care So Much About Value?#

Beyond technical skills, I have another habit: constantly collecting, organizing, and sharing resources

I write tutorials, organize a navigation site, and share tools, projects, and information I discover

I really do like helping people

It makes me happy when a tutorial I wrote solves someone’s problem, or a resource I shared happens to help someone who needs it

At the same time, I hope my efforts will bring thanks, recognition, and perhaps the chance to meet more people

I want people to see me as useful, and resources, knowledge, skills, and projects happen to be fairly concrete things

They can be accumulated, displayed, and exchanged. In a way, they have become my bargaining chips

When I want to make a new friend, being able to solve a problem for them gives me a reason to start talking

When I want to meet someone with impressive technical skills, having knowledge or a project that might interest them seems to give me an opening too

By contrast, simply walking up and saying “I want to be your friend” leaves me rather at a loss. I don’t know why they should accept, or what entitles me to that relationship

After all, they don’t seem short of friends, let alone opportunities to meet new people. So what is special about me?

That is where abilities and resources become an answer I can understand more easily

At least I can clearly tell myself what I have to offer

Compared with uncertain feelings and goodwill, these things I can hold in my hands really do make me feel more secure

What If One Day I No Longer Have Value?#

Recently, I suddenly began to think about this question seriously

If my technical skills decline one day, if I stop writing tutorials and sharing resources, or even lose the ability to keep making my game…

Will the people who know me now still want to talk to me?

Will friends who first got to know me because they admired my abilities still consider me a friend?

If one day I can no longer help others and instead need someone to look after me, where will that leave me?

I find it hard to answer

I have also started to realize that just because someone first got to know me for my abilities doesn’t mean those abilities must be the only thing sustaining the relationship afterward

The problem is that I don’t know how far these relationships have actually developed

Nor do I know how they would change if I lost what first drew people to me

I have rarely really been in that situation

Questions I Still Have No Answers To#

Writing this, I find myself caught in a contradiction

On one hand, I really do believe in the importance of abilities, resources, and mutual benefit in relationships

Many of my experiences support that view

I can say that continually improving my abilities is precisely what brought me many of today’s opportunities and introduced me to the capable people I know now

So it is hard for me to simply dismiss this understanding

On the other hand, I also want relationships that do not depend entirely on abilities and interests

I want people to appreciate my work, but I also hope they can accept the version of me who temporarily has no good work to show

I want to be someone who can help others, but I also hope that when I need help, I won’t have to work out what I can offer in exchange first

I want to become capable enough to stand alongside the people my age whom I admire and talk with them as an equal

But I worry that even if I get there, I will keep meeting people who are more accomplished, and start doubting my worth all over again

There is another question that confuses me even more:

Am I pursuing the skills and creative work I truly love, or have I become used to continually improving my abilities to feel secure in being recognized?

I think both motivations are probably there

I love creating things and exploring knowledge. Those interests are not fake

But I also long to be recognized, needed, and taken seriously

Even now, I don’t know how to separate those things completely. Perhaps I don’t need to force them apart

Anyway, these are some of my current thoughts

I still cannot imagine why someone would like a version of me with few abilities and little value to offer

And I still don’t have enough answers about the relationships I have already built

I’ll leave the record here for now