What Started It#

[!NOTE] Music recommendations
I finally know the name of the pure music I heard recently. It’s called “Chasing Mercury”. It’s quite romantic. The music also has a sense of absurdity and sadness. Anyway, I think it’s very suitable for this article haha

In the past two days, I have been sleeping at more than four o’clock in the morning every day.

Why, I can’t explain: maybe there is the disappointment of not being able to create what is in my mind, the pressure of working hard to create during the day, the gap compared with others, the doubt of self-criticism…

All in all, the result is just watching videos and not being able to stop in time.

But no matter what, the impact on the body is indeed real.

Although it may only be two days of going to bed late… Calculating carefully, this should be the fourth or fifth time this semester that I have gone to bed late. Before, it was basically controlled before twelve o’clock.

I also started to lose fat this semester, and my daily diet became more standardized. Although I actually don’t find it difficult to bear it, it does take up some of my energy.

This semester I also started playing games seriously again. I avoided it for so long last semester, and now I have finally moved on, although in fact I am still wallowing in the mire…

I am still working on other things this semester because I think these things are valuable and interesting, and I want to continue creating them.

This semester I still have to pay off debts from last semester, coursework, CET-6…

So this semester, I seem to have a full schedule. This is just about myself. Social needs also occupy part of my time, and my enduring curiosity always leads me to learn one new thing after another.

And when I was running these things, my mind was often not completely focused on the things in front of me.

Sometimes I think about what to do next, sometimes I wonder if what I am doing now is worth it, and whether I should change my approach; sometimes I want to slack off, sometimes I want to learn other things…

And when I think about this, I usually think about it further

For example, am I escaping or taking a reasonable break? Are you expanding new knowledge, or are you escaping in the name of expanding new knowledge? Is my arrangement reasonable? How’s your recent performance?

In fact, I have always known that rest is important, and I will take the initiative to arrange time for rest.

But, even knowing this, it seems hard for me to really stop thinking about it

Staying up late twice in a row recently made me finally start to take a serious look at this issue.

Maybe I really need a rest

A break where you don’t have to calculate gains, don’t have to prove anything, and don’t have to constantly evaluate whether you’re doing well or not.

It’s just that, as of this writing, I still don’t know how to do it

Rest Seems to Have Become a Task#

If you think about it carefully, this seems quite absurd.

I obviously want to rest, but I start to think about what kind of rest is best.

For example, when playing a game, I may wonder, will this game help my development? Can we learn anything from this? If not, isn’t it time to play another more valuable game?

So when I play games now, I often choose those Meta games or the works of predecessors of independent games. I also try to play while live streaming, and accumulate materials by the way.

Of course, these are indeed things I want to do

I always like to study games and explore interesting designs. It would be great if you can get some inspiration from the game.

But the problem is, when I don’t want to study design and just want to play around, it seems difficult for me to completely let go of this idea.

For example, when watching videos, I may feel that instead of watching these non-nutritious things, it is better to watch some technology sharing, game design analysis, etc.

Even when I am sleeping, I will start to calculate the sleep time and consider the arrangements for the next day.

I don’t think there’s anything bad about these behaviors in themselves

After all, arranging your time properly and choosing activities that you think are more valuable can indeed make your life more fulfilling.

Moreover, learning itself is a kind of enjoyment for me. Not all activities that require brain use are work.

It’s just that sometimes I can’t tell whether I am enjoying something or whether I am constantly trying to make it more worthwhile.

I seem to have been looking for a “correct” way to rest and find the optimal solution under multiple factors.

A way of rest that can make me feel relaxed without delaying other arrangements. It can also restore energy, improve efficiency, and even gain some extra benefits by the way.

But in this way, rest actually becomes an activity that requires me to think, arrange, and evaluate.

Of course, I don’t think there’s anything absolutely wrong with this. A good rest really helps restore energy and lead to better work and life.

It’s just…doesn’t rest have to have such a function in order to be considered reasonable?

If I spend an afternoon playing a game and get nothing in the end, not even being more productive the next day, is the afternoon wasted?

I have no idea

In other words, I know rationally that I shouldn’t think so, but when I actually encounter this situation, it’s difficult to really feel at ease.

What’s even more interesting is that if I decide to dedicate an afternoon to doing nothing, I might start to wonder again: is this downtime enough? Should there be a different approach? Did you feel refreshed after the break?

It seems that even relaxation itself needs to be accepted.

But if this is the case, am I resting, or am I completing a task called “rest”?

Does Reflection Have to Be Painful?#

Today, I also discussed another issue with my own AI

I never seem to be very good at facing my own mistakes and failures

If I’m too tolerant of my own failures, I worry that I’ll gradually stop taking them seriously, making it easier to forgive myself the next time I make a mistake, and end up being someone who just makes excuses.

But if I always treat failure harshly and constantly remind myself of the mistakes I have made, I will fall into strong self-blame and even begin to doubt my abilities and worth.

I’m not willing to accept either situation

So I always seem to be swinging between the two

Sometimes I tell myself, it doesn’t matter, just take a rest.

But after a while, I will start to wonder again: Did I let myself go too easily?

The same goes for staying up late this time

I knew it was not good to stay up late, and I also knew I would feel uncomfortable the next day, but I still couldn’t stop in time.

So I started blaming myself

Why can’t you do such a simple thing? Why do you treat your body like this even though you know the consequences?

But after blaming, besides making me feel even more uncomfortable, it didn’t seem to improve the problem much.

Thinking about it carefully, I seem to have been taking how painful I am as proof of how seriously I reflect.

It seems that if I don’t blame myself hard, it means that I haven’t truly realized my mistake.

But are the two really necessarily connected?

If I could admit my mistakes, figure out why, and try to change, would I be able to stop punishing myself?

I thought, at least try to do this

Of course, this doesn’t mean that mistakes are brushed aside

For example, staying up late, I should still take it seriously, because the impact on my body will not disappear just because I forgive myself

But the purpose of reflection should be to make me do better next time, rather than to allow me to continue to suffer additional pain from what has already happened.

At least judging from the results, blaming myself didn’t make it easier for me to go to bed on time the next day.

However, I’m not sure if I can really do it

After all, it’s sometimes even harder for me to stop blaming myself than to admit that I’m wrong

And there seems to be a similar problem here

I was obviously trying to find a more reasonable way to reflect, but I began to worry that I would not be serious enough because I was not suffering enough.

…it’s really a bit endless

Effort and Self-Worth#

There was an interesting reminder on the Internet before:

Among the issues we discussed repeatedly, is there a deeper question that I have been circling around but never really asked?

I just want questions, no analysis.

And the final question my AI gave me was:

If I ultimately fail to become that person who is good enough, special enough, and can create great value for the world, can I still love myself calmly and believe that my life is worth cherishing?

When I saw this question, I was a little overwhelmed

Because I really hope that I can become an excellent person

Since I changed, I have always liked to explore new things and hope to create something meaningful through my own abilities.

I hope to make good games, write valuable articles, learn more knowledge, and even help more people

These wishes are definitely not false, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.

Even without any external evaluation, I think I will still be curious about interesting things and still want to create something of my own.

I do care about whether I am good enough

I like to communicate with powerful people, and I also envy those who have achieved high achievements in the fields that interest me.

When I see their work, I may feel excited and want to learn, research, or even try it myself

But at the same time, I might also start comparing

Why can they do it but I can’t?

Am I not smart enough? Are you not working hard enough? Is your time wasted elsewhere?

These thoughts don’t always make me miserable; sometimes they serve as motivation to keep going.

but that’s not always the case

When I encounter consecutive setbacks or find that my progress is far less than expected, these comparisons may slowly turn into doubts about myself.

So I began to think about whether, in the process of pursuing these goals, I had unknowingly turned them into a measure of my own worth.

If I don’t make progress today, am I regressing?

Am I wasting my life if I don’t make the most of my time?

If I don’t reach the heights I expected in the end, then what does all the hard work I put in count?

…But I don’t want to interpret all my efforts as “trying to prove myself.”

Because I do like these things

Learning, creating, exploring, and helping others are all things that make me happy

I don’t want to give them up, nor am I willing to lower my ideals easily

I still hope that I can become a great person

It’s just that for these two motivations, I want to keep moving forward from the bottom of my heart, or because I can’t accept that I’m not good enough, so I don’t want to stop.

Perhaps these two motivations can exist at the same time, and I don’t think they must be completely separated.

But back to the question posed by AI

If I really fail to become the person I want to be in the end, can I still accept myself calmly?

i can’t do it

I know that a person’s value should not be determined entirely by achievements, and I can understand that people who have not achieved great achievements can still have a life worth cherishing.

But when the problem falls on me, it’s hard for me to accept it so easily

I don’t want to be a person who only works hard but can never create the ideal work.

I don’t want to wait many years later and then look back and find that there are many things I could have tried but failed to do due to various reasons.

But if I keep living with this idea, will I never be satisfied?

I have no idea

Maybe what I really need is not to give up the pursuit of excellence, but to learn how to get along with myself now when I have not yet reached my ideal.

It’s just that it’s easy to say this

As for how to do it…

I don’t have an answer yet

So, What Next?#

As I write this, I seem to be trying to find a conclusion to my problem again.

For example, make a new work and rest plan, arrange fixed rest times, limit the daily workload, or stipulate that you must do nothing one day a week

These methods may indeed have some effect

But I am also a little worried that I will soon start to calculate the completion rate of the rest plan, and then feel anxious because I did not rest according to the plan on a certain day.

…thinking of this, I smile a little bitterly

However, I guess this doesn’t mean I should give up on my plan completely.

After all, there is nothing wrong with the plan itself, and it is not impossible to arrange breaks.

Maybe the problem is more about how I deal with things that don’t happen as planned

For example, if I didn’t complete the scheduled tasks today, I can analyze the reasons and consider whether I need to adjust my arrangements, without immediately starting to wonder if I didn’t work hard enough.

For example, if I played a game one afternoon and didn’t get any inspiration that could be used in my creation, I don’t have to deny that afternoon.

Another example is if I stay up late again, I should still face it seriously and consider how to avoid it happening next time, but there is no need to continue to punish myself for the mistakes I have already made.

Of course, these are just some of the directions that are currently on my mind.

I’m not sure they’re effective enough, and I’m not sure I can actually do it

Moreover, problems in life may not all require a unified explanation.

Staying up late these past two days may indeed be related to the stress that has accumulated recently, or it may just be because I didn’t control the time I spent watching videos before going to bed.

Maybe both

There is no need for me to attribute everything to the same cause just to prove that I have found the root of the problem.

Speaking of which, I didn’t originally plan to write so much today.

I just stayed up late for two consecutive days and felt that I really should reflect on it. I was chatting with my AI and wanted to write it down. As a result, as I was writing it, I started to discuss my life again.

Even during the writing process, I worried whether the article would be too short, whether the content would be complete enough, and whether it would have enough value…

Obviously this article is discussing these things

It’s a bit ironic

However, as I write this, I don’t feel that I have discovered anything particularly remarkable.

In fact, I already knew many of the truths

I know that rest is important, I know that I shouldn’t blame myself too much, and I know that one can’t put all of one’s value on achievements.

But knowing these principles and being able to truly live according to them are two different things

Maybe I still need to experience a lot of things before I can slowly understand the difference.

Maybe I will still be confused by these questions until much later

But at least for now, I want to stop writing here

As for whether this article has any value and how much harvest it can bring…

Forget it, let’s not calculate it this time.

After all, I am still young

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being confused for a while while you’re young.